Is Your Union Frustrating or Fulfilling?
- Rev. Jerry Lepasana
- May 22, 2005
- Series: State of the Union
IS YOUR UNION FRUSTRATING OR FULFILLING?
Genesis 2: 18-24
- The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."
- Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name.
- So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found.
- So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh.
- Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
- The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man."
- For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
Last month, many of us have witnessed two beautiful weddings done in our church. Both were filled with so much joy and a great sense of hope for the future. This is quite typical for all weddings.
The bride will always be so glorious and beautiful as she enters the church. The groom stands in front all ready, trying to master the most awaited vow he will have to declare. As both of them meet before the altar, the radiance of their faces and the sparkle in their eyes will speak about the joys they cannot contain for the blessing and prospect of being united together. Finally, when their vows are recited, everyone is hopeful that those words will be established in their hearts and will be kept for the rest of their lives.
However, the reality is, it will take more than a beautiful wedding to keep the union filled with love and happiness. Most often, after several months of living together, some frustrations will set in and conflicts will arise. If they fail to deal with them, the frustrations and tensions will build, resulting to a sense of hopelessness. Now, angry and hurt, they will ask, “What did I ever see in him/her?” or “How did it ever happen to me? I thought I knew him/her, who is this person I’ve married.”
I hope none of you are so frustrated with your marriage that you sometimes feel that bailing out is your best option. Remember, our marriage is a gift from God. He literally wants to enrich our lives through our marriages. Look at the first wedding in the Garden of Eden, God had personally designed Eve and brought her to Adam to be his completion. Clearly, our marriages should be fulfilling, rather than frustrating. On this basis, I would like to share some practices we need to be committed to if we want our marriages to be fulfilling:
I LOOK FOR PROGRESS AND NOT PERFECTION:
How can two people who started out being so much in love turned to be so angry at each other? One thing for sure, this did not happen overnight, it was a process. Most often , we have entered marriage with very high expectations without taking into account the need for the process of growth and maturity.
First of all, each of us must never forget that because man fell into sin in Genesis 3, this sinful nature will always be a part of our relationships. The only way we can see victory over sin is through our vital surrender to our Lord Jesus Christ.
- And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.
- Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
However, even with a relationship with Jesus, we will never be perfect. What we need to continually work for is progress. In our loving relationship with Christ, He is willing to wait until we get to heaven to expect perfection. That should also be true with us.
I think what we need to encourage is consistent progress for each other. A lot immaturity will hurt our marriage, so keep helping each other to grow.
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
Again, please accept that the process of growth takes time, and changes can come with the passing of years.
II LEARN TO FORGIVE AND CONSIDER THE FUTURE:
If there is anything that can easily ruin a marriage, it is the inability of couples to forgive each other. Studying the Bible, I know that all of us are guilty of sins. Both husbands and wives can sin against each other. When the Holy Spirit convicts us and we recognize our sin, we are responsible to confess, correct our behavior, and seek forgiveness and restitution. When your spouse had sought for your forgiveness, you have the obligation to bestow it.
Jesus had provided a principle about forgiveness in Luke 17:3:
So watch yourselves. "If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.
One important truth about this passage is the fact that true repentance must take place in order for forgiveness to be bestowed. This kind of repentance does not just mean saying sorry, but it must result to a change of behavior.
I recognize that there are times when the hurt is too much, but if you have the desire to forgive, God can give you the grace to forget. God can allow His love through us to do the work:
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
If you will forgive, you must forget and move on. Look to the future, and believe that with God’s help there is the potential of greater happiness and fulfillment from your relationship. Don’t allow yourself to be bound by the past.
- Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,
- I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
The apostle Paul was more excited about the future than his past. Think about the damage and harm that can be done if you keep focusing on the past.
III TRY PRAISES INSTEAD OF CRITICISMS:
Do you feel so frustrated with your spouse that saying something nice about him or her seems hypocritical because of the other things you don’t like? In Hebrews 10:24, we can learn an important truth about being positive.
And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.
What do we need to do? The verse exhorts us “To spur” one another. The word literally means to stir or to provoke. We need to know ways to provoke each other to be better individuals.
The most effective way to provoke each other is to praise each other. In order to do this honestly, we need to be able to do three things:
- Wholeheartedly verbalize your thanksgiving to God for them.
- Be sensitive about the good traits of your spouse and the good things they have faithfully contributed to you.
- Be intentional in verbalizing your praises to your spouse.
Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
IV KEEP THE LINES OF COMMUNICATION OPEN
AND CLEAR UP MISUNDERSTANDINGS:
Someone once said: “Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbor listen.
People who have long-term, happy marriages have found ways to communicate to each other in order to make sure they clarify misunderstandings. The learning process is not natural, so it must be practiced. An overriding rule in communication is found in Ephesians 4:29:
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
Every time we attempt to communicate we need to be committed in saying only the words, which will help in building the relationship. So, we have to avoid the following:
- Accusations – name calling, labeling, etc.
- Generalizations – words such as “always” or “never” should be taken out.
- Lies – denying the truth will never work.
- Curses or angry words – control is necessary.
- Excuses – rationalizations as a defense will only bring more hurt.
Good communication is a lifeline in marriage. We must do our best to really improve our communication skills.
Speaking about communication, let me also encourage you to increase your communication with God. He is interested with your marital relationship. He is the only one who can change you and your spouse. Whatever challenges you have in your relationship, God desires and is able to help.
'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.'
A happy and healthy marriage will not just happen. It will always require a lot of work and commitment. I hope we all will give our marriages our best efforts.