Creating an Affair Proof Marriage
- Pastor Ed Ramos
- Jun 14, 2009
- Series: A Household of Faith
CREATING AN AFFAIR PROOF MARRIAGE
Hebrews 13:4 Philippians 2:2 (CEV)
A 6th grader teacher once explained to her students about God’s wonderful plan for marriage. After giving some clear ideas that marriage is designed by God, specifically for male and female, a union between a husband and wife, she asked them what they think about their parent’s marriage relationships. One of the students stood up and said “Father, forgive them for they don’t know what they are doing”
It may sound silly but this is what’s happening in most marriages in our society today. Many couples would even say, it’s easier to get married than it is to stay married. Have you ever notice that before marriage, “opposite attract” but after marriage “opposite attack!”
Every marriage has conflicts. No matter who you are, no matter how much you love your spouse, how long you live together there will be some things you disagree with. Why? It’s because both husband and wife are created differently with different personalities and needs. But the greater differences we have in our marriage, the greater our potential for spiritual growth and spiritual greatness.
God has a beautiful plan for a marriage relationship. God has designed marriage for a better reason. Unfortunately, when the husband and wife didn’t follow God’s standard to keep the marriage alive; there’s this phenomenal trend of separation and divorce. No wonder the current divorce rate in the
This is the reason why the church should talk about family matters. Many couples today do not have a magnificent marriage. Many do not even have a mediocre marriage. In fact, many have a miserable marriage. And the devil knows that if he can hurt us at home, he can hurt us everywhere-in the church, in the school, in society and in the nation.
Today, we’ll continue on the series “Household of Faith” and the subject that we are looking at is “Creating an Affair Proof Marriage”. Let’s read our text today in
Hebrews 13:4 “Have respect for marriage. Always be faithful to your partner because God will punish anyone who is immoral or unfaithful in marriage.”
The text gives us a very straightforward command for marriage.
In Philippians 2:2 says, “Now make me completely happy! Live together in harmony by showing love for each other. Be united in what you think, as if you were only one person.”
God’s ideal for any relationships, whether you’re married or not is harmony, love (intimacy) and unity (one mind). In reality a lot of relationships are in disharmony, conflict and disappointment. There are a lot of people that say “I feel cheated by my marriage. I feel cheated by my relationships” Someone commented and said “When I got married, I started of with an ideal; a few months later it turned into an ordeal. Now I’m looking for a new deal.” What happened? Great marriages don’t just happen. It takes energy and effort to make a marriage work.
In Ephesians 4:2 says “Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond peace.”
“Make every effort”. Most of the problems that have caused drifting in the marital relationships are not that couples don’t love each other. But rather, husband and wife are not putting any effort in keeping the relationships alive. God wants us to have a great marriage if we are willing to do whatever it takes to keep the love, the romance, the intimacy in our relationship alive.
How to make our marriage a lasting affair? What is an affair? First of all, we need a few definitions to help us understand what term “affair” refers to. One way to use it in reference to the act of fornication; Fornication is sexual intercourse between two unmarried persons. The next usage is when there is adultery. Now adultery is the same as fornication except, adultery is sexual intercourse between a married man or woman who is not his/her spouse. Both fornication and adultery are absolutely wrong but the term affair we are referring to involves both fornication and adultery. We use the word affair as an extramarital relationship usually consists of two people outside of marriage who become involved with deep feelings of love and potential sexual lovemaking.
When a husband or wife begins to play around outside their marriage, it was called an extramarital affair that if continues, can certainly end a marriage. How does affair begin? Affairs begin in many ways and for many reasons and it can happen to anybody. So, those who are married or those singles must always be on the guard for this devastating temptation.
With all the books, magazines and practical help available, why is it that so few couples seem to have found the secret of keeping love alive after the wedding? Why it is after a year, two, ten, twenty or more, the fan of flames keep sizzling?
To “Affair Proof the Marriage”, there are many creative ways to build a healthy relationship. We don’t have to change our lives completely to make our marriage better. Minor changes will make major differences in our marriage. I am convinced that if we put some efforts in our marriages it will make the relationships alive.
- LEARN HIS/HER BASIC NEEDS
We’re creatures of needs, all of us have needs. There’s this metaphor that says “Inside every child is an emotional tank waiting to be filled with love. When a child really feels love, he will develop normally but when the love tank is empty, the child will misbehave.”
The same is true in the context of marriage. Gary Chapman, a pastor and the director of Marriage and Family Life Consultant, Inc. wrote the book entitled “The Five Love Languages” says this “When your spouse’s emotional love tank is full and he/she feels secure in your love, the whole world looks bright and your spouse will move out to reach his/her highest potential in life. But when the love tank is empty and he/she feels used but not loved, the whole world looks dark and he/she will likely never reach his/her potential for good in the world.”
For every husband and wife, there’s this emotional tank that needs to be filled by someone and that someone is no other than your spouse. If the emotional tank is empty and the spouse doesn’t do anything and ignore each other’s needs, one or both of you will be more tempted to go elsewhere or find someone else to make the love tank full.
Earlier, I said that ‘affair’ can begin in many ways. That someone else maybe a family friend, a co-worker that invites you for lunch during lunch breaks, a boss who gives incentives to your performance or someone whom you frequently meet and share your problems to. That’s how the affair begins, by just being friends. Beware of the trap called ‘Greener Grass Syndrome’ that says grass is greener on the other side. The best way to avoid ‘greener grass syndrome’ is to water your own lawn. If the marriages are well watered, the grass on your own side will be lush and soft and lovely.
Dr. Willard Harley, a licensed counselor in
- Did you see any similarities between those two lists? NO. These give us an idea of how we are different. No wonder we have so much trouble adjusting in marriage. Men, we come into marriage thinking that we've married someone very much like ourselves so we set about trying to meet our needs from our wives but we’re very frustrated when they do not respond the same way we do. The same is true with the women; they come into marriage thinking they've married someone very much like themselves. They set about to meet the needs that they have in a man and cannot understand why he does not respond the same way she does.
Look again on the list, the number one need of a woman is affection. She knows, she wants affection, so what does she give to her husband? Affection; that’s how she reaches out her husband, but then the number one need of a man is sexual fulfillment. (I know it’s a censored thing to talk about sex) but it’s better to talk about it at church because sex is good only in the context of marriage. God is no kill-joy. He invented sex within the marriage, not before marriage, nor outside marriage. Sex must be properly used; controlled and expressed within a marriage. It’s beautiful and fantastic but if it’s improperly used it becomes very destructive and harmful to any human being.
As men, we respond and interpret affection in a different way. We see it as some sort of entrée just to meet our number one need. We overlooked our mate’s need, misunderstand her affection and begin making advances. However, the woman may turn him down because she is still looking for affection, not sexual fulfillment. What would happen then is both husband and wife would feel hurt and misunderstood. The woman still longs for affection, thinking her husband is selfish about sex. The man still wants fulfillment, feeling she led him on and suddenly turned away.
Did you see the tension between sex and affection is just one example of how men’s needs and women’s needs are different? If we misunderstand our needs and the needs of our mate, it causes serious tension and frustration in our marriage. The point is, if the basic needs of a husband and the basic needs of a wife are not being met, both are vulnerable to have an affair. Any of us can fall victim of having an affair with someone else, if our basic needs are not being met.
Look at this text in 1 Corinthians 7:3 “A man should fulfill his duty as a husband; a wife should fulfill her duty as a wife and each should satisfy the other’s need.” This verse tells us, the husband and wife will each take seriously the basic needs of the other. Both should get serious to meet those needs to the very best of their ability.
I believe the ideal marriage evolves when the husband concentrates on meeting his wife’s needs and the wife concentrates on meeting her husband’s needs. That combination creates the lasting qualities of an “affair proof relationship”.
- LEARN HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER
As a couple, oftentimes communication is difficult. Statistics shows that the average couple only talks to each other together, alone -- 4 minutes a day. In fact, as a couple, you will amass 46 hours of television watching in a week. But you will only spend 23 minutes talking alone together in a typical week. One of the reasons we have problems in communication is because men and women communicate differently.
There was a woman who went to a judge and told him “I want to divorce my husband” The judge said “Do you have any grounds?” She said “No, but we do own a half acre on our backyard.” The judge said “I mean do you have a grudge?” She said “No, we park our car in front of the house.” The judge said “Does your husband beat you up?” She said, “No, I always get up before he does.” Frustrated the judge said, “Why do you want a divorce?” she said, weren’t just able to communicate”.
We all know men and women are wired up differently. Women are traditionally more open to saying what they feel, while men are traditionally more closed off when it comes to communication.
According to statistics, the average conversation of a man is about 20K words a day while the woman has 30K words a day. Men, by the time you get ready to retire that day and tuck yourself into bed, our wives have still 10K remaining words that need to be expressed.
It has been said that the most important aspects of marriage that a couple should work on is to develop good communication. Agree or disagree? On the other hand, bad communication is a primary reason marriages fail.
Last week, Pastor Jerry had used the text Ephesians 4:29 as one of the good exercise to make a marriage stick. Let’s read it. “Don’t let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” When it comes to handling communication in our marriage, you have two options:
- Do not let any unwholesome talk – the original meaning for the word “unwholesome” is literally spoiled fish. Have you ever been smelled a rotten fish? Husbands and wives, we can spoil our spouse’s spirit with our words. Here’s one scenario to avoid unwholesome talk, when your spouse is angry and upset and lashing out words of heat, instead of reciprocate with additional heat, choose to love with a soft voice or apply the golden rule of silence. Don’t answer back with additional heat; otherwise there will be hell on earth.
- Only what is helpful for building others up – King Solomon, the author of the ancient Hebrew wisdom literature learned that one way to express love emotionally to your spouse is to use words that build up. Proverbs 12:25 says “An anxious heart weighs a man down, but an encouraging word cheers him up.” Look at these examples of encouraging words:
A. If you don’t like a particular habit of your partner, for example, throwing a wet towel on the bed. Don’t start with “I hate it when you…” instead, say, “I really like it when I see you hanging your towel on towel-stand!”
B. If you don’t like a particular dress on your partner, instead of saying, “you look fat/bad in this dress”, instead, say, “Why don’t you wear the ‘so and so’ dress? It looks sexier on you than this one!”
- LEARN TO BE A HOST or HOSTESS
A host or hostess is someone who serves the guest. Many people never learn to be a host or hostess. If you go into marriage acting like a guest and treating your mate like a host or hostess, you’re going to have trouble. Marriage wasn’t meant to be a guest/host relationship. If one mate acts like a guest, there will be problems. But if both act like guests, there will be serious conflict. A woman should go into marriage as a hostess. A man should go into marriage as a host. And each should treat the other like a warmly welcomed guest. If a husband thinks of his wife as a guest, and the wife thinks of her husband as a guest, that marriage starts to sizzle.
If we are going to read Genesis 2:18 that says “Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him” I want us to have clear understanding on this passage. Before God created Eve to be a partner and a helper, Adam was already a worker/host. So when God gave Eve to Adam, they were both expected to work and serve together. In the context of marriage, both husband and wife should learn to serve one another. Both should think, instead of what do I get from this relationship, which is selfish, but rather what do I give to my spouse? Try asking “Darling, what can I do for your tonight?” Remember, it’s not all about you. When you begin to esteem one another higher than yourselves, both of your needs will be met. This helps create a harmonious, long lasting marriage.
- LEARN TO PRAY TOGETHER
How does praying together impact marriage? According to one major study praying together is the most reliable factor for predicting long term satisfying marriage. When the husband and wife pray together it will lead and gain their intimacy with God and with each other. Have you prayed for your spouse recently?
You may say “Pastor, I can’t pray for my husband/wife. After all these headaches, despair and loneliness that brought emotional pain in our relationship. I don’t think I can pray for him/her.” Regardless of other issues, you ought to pray for your partner.
Do you believe in the power of prayer? First of all let me make it perfectly clear that the power of prayer is not a means of gaining control over your spouse, so don’t get your hopes up. In fact, it is quite opposite. It’s laying down all claims to power in and of yourself, and relying on God’s power to transform you first, then your spouse, your circumstance and your marriage. That’s what the power of prayer does to us.
Secondly, things happened when couples pray together. Look at these statistics the difference between couple who pray “a lot” and those that pray “sometimes” (
78% vs. 60% say “their marriage is happy”
91% vs. 74% say “my spouse is my best friend”
75% vs. 64% say “they agree on how children should be raised:”
69% vs. 58% say “agreement on finances is very good”
72% vs. 52% say “quantity and quality of love-making is very good”
When a couple takes the seriousness to pray, God bestows blessings upon their relationship. Jesus told us “that if two of you agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven”
- In closing, marriage works when both husband and wife are making efforts to make their relationship a lasting affair of a marriage.