BUILDING RELATIONSHIP WITH THE IN-LAWS

 

Growing a Great Family: (Part V)

BUILDING RELATIONSHIP WITH THE IN-LAWS
Genesis 2:22-25
22) Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
23) The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man."
24) For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
25) The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

Ephesians 5:31
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."

Today, it is quite unfortunate that the relationship with in-laws have been the brunt of so many jokes. You probably have heard some about mother in-laws:
• Adam was the luckiest man; he had no mother-in-law. (Mark Twain)
• Behind a successful man is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law. (Hubert H. Humphrey)
• The lawyer cabled his client overseas: "Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?" Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order all three."

Often, jokes like these provided the assumption that married couples will always experience difficulty with their in-laws. So instead of cultivating a positive relationship with in-laws, many couples have avoided them. The truth of the matter is a good relationship with in-laws can bring a great source of strength and support to married couples. In the Bible, you have the example of great in-laws. You have Jethro, Moses father-in-law who advised him on how he should lead the nation of Israel (Exodus 18:1-12). Then, you have Naomi, the mother-in-law of Ruth, who provided tremendous emotional support to her in the death of her husband (Ruth 1).
I believe what is important is for us to understand the guidelines the Bible has provided for in-law relationships. The most common questions couples usually ask are: How close are we going to live to them? How should we respond to parent's ideas, suggestions, and needs? And what can we do if we see our parents destroying our marital unity? Now, here are the principles that we must keep in mind if we are to follow the Biblical patterns in our relationships with our in-laws:

I "LEAVE" YOUR PARENTS:
The Bible explicitly instructs that marriage begins with a man leaving his father and mother, and being united with his wife - For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh (Gen. 2:24). Clearly, God's pattern for marriage involves a change of allegiance and priority.
The word "Leave" in the Hebrew actually means "to abandon, to forsake, and to cut off a relationship before you start a new one." To show just how strongly God feels about this "leaving," God repeats this command several times throughout the Bible. Jesus quotes Genesis in His own instructions on marriage (Matt. 19:5; Mark 10:7), and the apostle Paul reinforces the same in Ephesians 5:31. These repetitious declarations suggest the seriousness of the command and seems to imply that someone who cannot "leave" is simply not ready for marriage.
Obviously, the command is used in a positive sense and does not mean alienation of family members or the parents being treated unkindly. That is the second principle, which we will deal with shortly. The principle of separating from parents can be interpreted in three practical ways:
A. Separate Living Arrangements:
Parents and children need to say goodbye to one another when marriage occurs. Without this, the couple cannot develop independence as readily as when living alone. When parents do not enable their children to go away, the dependency will cripple the ability of children to become responsible adults. Gary Chapman in his book, Toward a Growing Marriage, commented about living separately from parents:
Living in a meager apartment with the freedom to develop their own lifestyle under God is better than luxurious living in the shadow of parents.

B. Decision Making:
Couples must have the ability to make their own decisions. Their parents may have suggestions about many aspects of their married life. Each suggestion should be taken seriously, but, at the end of the day, the couple must make their own decision. You should no longer make decisions on the basis of what would make the parents happy but on the basis of what would make your partner happy. Under God, you are a new unit, brought together by His Spirit to live for each other.
Of course, in-laws can be an excellent resource in terms of emotional support and advice. When in-laws take an interest in your life and give an advice, if it is good, follow it; if it is not good, accept it graciously and then ignore it. In many cases, because parents are older and rich in experiences they can share wise counsels. A good example of a wise father-in-law is found in Exodus 18. Moses gave serious consideration to the counsels of Jethro, and adopted them.

C. When Conflict Arises:
Let me give you a scenario - A young wife runs to mother when problems arise in the marriage. The next day her husband recognizes that he was wrong, asks forgiveness, and harmony is restored. The daughter fails to tell her mother this. The next time a conflict arises, she again confides to her Mom. This becomes a pattern, and before long, her mother has a bitter attitude toward her son-in-law. The daughter has been very unfair to her husband and has failed to follow the principle of "leaving" parents.
If you have a conflict in marriage (and most of us do), seek to solve them by direct confrontation with your spouse. Conflict should be an opportunity to grow. If you find that you need outside help, then go your pastor or a marriage counselor who could be objective and give Biblical guidance. Parents find it almost impossible to be objective.
Again, before moving to the next principle, God gave this instruction because the husband's commitment must be to his wife, and the wife's commitment must be to her husband. Both of them must realize that a new union, a new family has emerged. They both must prioritize this new family.

II HONOR YOUR PARENTS:
The second principle relating to our relationship with in-laws is found in Exodus 20:12 and is one of the Ten Commandments: "Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you." Just like the first principle, this command is also repeated in Deuteronomy 5:16, and Ephesians 6:2.
Honoring parents is a guideline from birth to death. The word honor means to show deep respect. It involves treating one with kindness and dignity. It is true that not all parents live respectable lives. Their actions may not be worthy of honor, but because of their position as parents, it is always right to honor them and those of your marriage partner. Leaving parents for the purpose of marriage does not erase the responsibility to honor them.
How is this honor expressed in daily life?

A. Regular Contact:
You honor them in such practical actions as visiting, or communicating by phone or e-mails. By doing this, you are able to tell them that you still love them and want to share life with them. Remember, "Leaving" must never be interpreted as deserting. Failure to communicate with parents is saying, "I no longer care."
This should be done with equal treatment of both sets of parents. Remember, "For God does not show favoritism" (Romans 2:11). So, if one set of parents is visited once a week, then the other should be visited once a week. This may include holiday visits or vacations. If you will spend Thanksgiving with your wife's family this year, you should spend Christmas with your family. The guiding principle is equality.

B. Speak Kindly:
To "Honor" also implies that we speak kindly with parents and in-laws. Paul had a very clear admonition regarding this in 1Timothy 5:1:
Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father.

We are to be understanding and sympathetic. Certainly we are to speak the truth, but it must always be in love (Ephesians 4:15).

C. Care for Physical Needs:
A further implication of honoring parents is to also bear the responsibility of caring for the physical needs of our parents. Notice what the apostle Paul said in 1Timothy 5:4:
But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God.

This verse is clear with what pleases God. When we were young, our parents met our physical needs. As they grow older, we may have to do the same for them. If and when the need arises, we must be prepared to help. To fail in this is to deny the faith in Christ.
On the contrary, when we faithfully keep this command, we would receive God's rich blessings - "that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth" (Ephesians 6:3).

III WORDS FOR PARENTS:
Lastly, I also would like to leave some words to all the parents. I believe it would help a lot if we will not forget our objective. From their birth to their marriage, we have been training our children for independence. We want them to be able to stand on their own feet and operate as mature persons under God. Hopefully, we have trained them to do household chores, to save money, and to make responsible decisions. In short, we have sought to bring them to maturity.
At the time of marriage, our training ends. It is hoped that we have helped them moved from the state dependence to the state of independence. We need to view them as adults who will chart their own course for better or for worse. We must never again impose our will upon them.
Of course, this does not mean, we will no longer help them, but it means that all help must be given in a responsible manner that will enhance independence rather than dependence. For example, if we give financial help, it would be with a perspective of attaining freedom from our support rather than making them dependent on it. Or if you give an advice, don't force you advice on the couple. Give advise or suggestion if they requested or if you feel you must, but then withdraw and allow the couple freedom to make their own decision. Give them the advantage of your wisdom but the freedom to make their own mistakes.
Definitely, any married couple need the emotional support that comes from a wholesome relationship with both sets of parents, and parents need the emotional support that comes from the couple. Life is too short to live with broken relationships. Let's do our best in building the relationships that God has gifted us.